Back to School List: Things Not to Say to Latino English Teachers

By Ray Salazar, NewsTaco

… or

“How Latino English teachers can respond to dumb comments”

1. Do you teach Spanish?

          I’d prefer not to.  Besides, I’m not certified.

2. My Spanish gets better after a couple of beers.

          So does mine.

3. Will you translate for me during report-card pick up?

          I only negotiate disrespectful parent-child relationships at my family’s parties.

4. Can you coach the soccer team?

           Not really. But I can teach them how to run really fast if they get chased by gangbangers.

5. You must really appreciate Affirmative Action.

          I didn’t know what that was until white people made such a big deal about it after they got bad grades.

6. Latino literature?  What’s that?

          Our response to ignorance.

7. Let me know if you need help teaching Shakespeare.

          You are not worth another word, else I’d call you knave.

8. Was it hard to learn a foreign language?

          I remember the swear words in French.

9. Our school ID machine doesn’t put accents in last names.

          My name doesn’t have one.  It’s not a political statement.  It’s grammatical.

What should #10 be?