El Guapo’s Guide To Decoding Popular Racism

El Guapo is a creature of habit. Thursdays he likes to do laundry as he watches novelas. And because he is trying to go green, he pulls up the hamper and uses his washboard abs as — well — a washboard. Although, truth be told, if he’s not incredibly careful, a whole basket of laundry can be ruined and shredded to ribbons by his symmetrical, jagged abdomen.

Just as your Guapo was getting into his novela (and mind you it was getting good – at this juncture some scantily clad woman was smacking a burly man who wore a prominent 80’s porno mustache and threw sinister looks at the camera), the doorbell rang. El Guapo’s pudgy neighbor, Pancho Sanza, arrived with the irate, befuddled look that is permanently etched onto his face, like one of those huge Olmec heads, like he’s angrily trying to determine the origin of a fart.

Apparently, Pancho, an aspiring thespian, had gone to a commercial audition for a role described as “the guy next door” and actually being the guy next door, he figured he had it in the bag. At the gate however, a leathery blonde woman with a clipboard eyed him up and down like he had stepped in something foul and refused him admittance. To El Guapo, this underscored the dire need for some cultural code cracking.  For the benefit of all here are just a few words or phrases that you should know the code for:

Boy/Guy/Girl Next Door Or “All-American”

• Not you. Unless, of course, you are blonde and look like you stepped out of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad.
• Example: “Reese Witherspoon, the pre-eminent girl next door (or all-American girl), has just wrapped her latest film, co-starring the spicy firecracker, Salma Hayek.”

Urban

• Having to do with areas, activities, and other related issues connected to people of any collective hue darker than the beige crayon in the box.
• Example: “Due to the fact that he went to an urban high school, little Antonio is illiterate and enjoys stabbing others with rusty blades.”

Diverse

• There’s a black or brown person present, or referred to.
• Example: “This party is diverse as hell. Look, there’s Maria, she’s ½ Guatemalan and ½ Kenyan. Sweet, it’s like the UN in here.”

Cultural Sensitivity/Awareness

• Demonstrating (or at least feigning) an appreciation or inclusion of interests in other cultures.
• Example: “Bro, I love tacos. They make me culturally aware…and they taste dandy.”

If perchance El Guapo overlooked something, please bring it to his attention.

Your handsome and humble servant,

— El Guapo