Thank God For Republicans, Black Friday And My Identity Crisis

Soon we will all be gathered around the table of brotherhood detailing what we are most grateful for…then a couple of hours later, after emerging from a stagnant turkey coma, we will line up at our favorite retail stores ready to gouge the eyes out of a total stranger’s skull for even looking at the compact parking space we are trying to maneuver our SUVs into. It is so heartwarming how the holidays bring us all together. In that vein, here’s my Thanksgiving prayer.

Are you there God? It’s me Oscar. I would like to thank you for the following things and people who without them; I would just be a random old curmudgeon screaming at neighborhood children to get off my lawn from my living room. Here they are, in no particular order of importance.

First off, I would like to thank you for Republicans on television. Their hate for anything that that does not fit their narrowing paradigm is accordingly done so as an interpretation of your word. They work so hard at doing all the thinking for me. If I have learned anything from watching the talking heads flap their gums, it is that in the entire realm that is your unconditional love and omnipotence – you still find a way to shake your godly fists at the antics of both illegal immigrants and homosexuals by creating natural disasters and terrorist attacks to show your disapproval. I am going to have to find a school desk to go under the day when homosexual illegal immigrants decide to marry.

Secondly, I would like to thank you for all the regular media that does such a great job at covering the priorities. Why would I care what city is being occupied? Why would I care if concerned citizens are being beaten like piñatas packed with glazed doughnuts by the police? There are real news stories out there. For example, how long will Lindsay Lohan be in jail? What will Kim Kardashian buy now to cope with the fact that her marriage has the lifespan of a fart? I need a scorecard just to keep track of who is going into rehab and who is coming out.

Next, I would like to thank you for the talents with which you have bestowed me. I am using them to write my first Chicano-centric play, “Tlaloc on the Roof.” It is pretty much like “Wicked”-meets-“Cats”-meets-“Zoot Suit,” but with a whole lot more tap dancing. It’s the story of a young Chicano coming of age and facing such first world problems like: deciding which skinny jeans match which hoodie, and, which combination of the both go with which pair of fingerless gloves. The heart-pounding decision whether to watch “Dexter” and TiVo “Boardwalk Empire” — or the other way around will be my opus. Finally, what should one do with all of those Starbucks receipts that have collected in my pocket?

On a serious note, I am grateful for all the people connected with, reading, sharing and otherwise tied to NewsTaco. It is hard to be the people behind the curtain, and without them, we would all have our voices severely limited. The contributors are of the greatest caliber, and I do not consider myself to be at their range or particular skill level. I am awed by their talents, and every week I am humbled by how much higher they continually set the bar.

The readers are a fellowship of enlightened individuals. You are all invited to sleep over at my house and crash on my couch while we spin records.We can brunch. It will be nice.  God bless you all and happy holidays – and may all the neighborhood kids stay off your lawns.