Anti-Immigrant Rhetoric Is Like Republican Viagra

It shouldn’t have taken this long to figure out, but the angry anti-immigration rhetoric that’s been around since just after the arrival of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria apparently has a biological origin.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins have made undeniable connections between angry anti-immigration rhetoric and sexual arousal within a significant portion of the population suffering from erectile dysfunction. Many cases of this sexual dysfunction can only be cured by incoherent and illogical anti-immigrant grunts and moans (which, to no one’s surprise, are often then taken into the bedroom).

For instance:

• “Baby, tell me how much you hate amnesty.”
• “Tear that 14th Amendment up and get over here.”
• “Oh, how high do you want that border fence? Higher? Higher?”
• “I’m DEEPORTING!”

Researchers point to subtle cues observed during political campaigns that led to the research in the first place. Unexpectedly, their findings were replicated in both sexes (and, strangely enough, one crocodile (Jan Brewer)).

• Note that most politicians, Republicans in particular, will run to a podium or behind a shrub or mailbox when ranting about undocumented immigrants, “anchor babies,”and the “seething hordes destroying the fabric of a great nation.” This is for obvious reasons.
• While subtle, many Republican eyes will dilate significantly when debates turn to anything pertaining to immigration. Dilated eyes being, of course, a classic sign of sexual arousal. Oh, that and they will often pull their pants down.
• Note that candidates suffering from this condition will compete to propose the most hyperbolic “solutions” to the problem. (For instance, “I will tattoo the word illegal on their foreheads and have them shot into the air like skeet, after which, we will shoot them with their own children, who we will first light on fire, all the while shouting patriotic slogans.”) As they engage in such behavior, their eyes will roll back into their heads in ecstasy and they will reach for a pen in their breast pocket. (There is no such pen.)

Ironically, undocumented immigrants exposed to the same hate-filled rhetoric have, thanks to El Guapo’s counter movement, begun to respond in kind. The ringleader, has labeled it “Revolution Through Fornication” and now has the undocumented — like Pavlovian Dogs — conditioned to become aroused during Republican Presidential Debates.

Let the games begin.

As always, contact your doctor if your erection lasts more than four hours.

Your handsome and humble servant —

El Guapo