Sinvergüenza Spotlight: Bad Parents

Perhaps you were raised by sinvergüenza parents.  Perhaps you’re a parent yourself and have yet to discover that, yes, you are shameless and your kids cringe and die a little inside when they see you rocking the curlers and ratty robe to pick them up from school.

Well, El Guapo believes that it’s better to identify sinvergüenzas early before they sneak up behind you and stab you with something rusty simply because they like the color red. So, let’s focus on shameless parents. Consider this an urgent public service announcement.

Parenting is the most challenging and rewarding endeavor that there is…at least that’s what Oprah says. But, like everything else, sinvergüenzas put their own distinctive stink on it. Here are some things we’ve overheard sinvergüenzas parents say:

• “If you’re going to play with that bag of rusty nails and those shards of glass, take it into the neighbor’s yard. That way, if you get hurt, you say you found it there and we’ve got ourselves a lawsuit. Cha-ching!”

• “Your boyfriend seems nice. And cute. Do you mind if I ask him out?”

• “We think it’s time you learned some responsibility in this house and earned your keep. From now on, you’ll be doing our taxes, lying to the creditors, and applying this ointment on grampa’s back fungus. Stop crying. It’s about time you learned adulthood isn’t all lollipops and ponies.”

• “Doctor said you have anemia. Go lick that stop sign for ten minutes, because I’m sure as hell not paying for iron supplements.”

• “I don’t need a doctor to tell me you’re healthy. Give me that school physical and a pen.”

• “The babysitter’s a registered sex offender? Well, he’s the cheapest one we’re going to get – and now we have leverage to negotiate a better price.”

• “Your toys are old? You know that there are little kids in Taiwan who work 12 hours a day to make those toys. Be grateful. They’re always hiring – since they’re constantly sewing their fingers together.”

• “Quite your blubbering. Want to know why I eat name brand cereal and you eat that knockoff store brand crap? Because my parents got me used to the expensive stuff. Guess who’s not making the same mistake?  Now be quiet and eat your Kaboom.”

• “You scraped your knee? Sucks. God wanted it that way. I know he can be a prick, but you go take that up with him then and let me watch tv.”

• “Why is there a 10 pound bag of potatoes in your back pack? Well kid, you’re not that bright, so I’m hedging my bets and hoping you go pro in some sport. No pressure, but you’re my retirement plan. Which, as a result, obviously means I’m not that bright either.”

• “What science fair? Fine. See this ice cube in my whiskey? See it melting? Solid to liquid. Now go get a pen and a damn poster board and write it up, Einstein.”

• “I pride myself on having low standards and a knack for hyperbole. With that said, your painting was a Picasso.”

Your handsome and humble servant —

El Guapo