Help! My 19-Year-Old Sister’s Boyfriend Is A Pig

Dear Martha:

I just wanted to ask you about my 19-year-old sister and the fact she has been in a relationship with a harmful person for five years. He is so complicated, possessive, aggressive, and anti-social, and my sister is so obsessed with him that she has changed negatively. She treats him like a king, and she has so made him so holy that, for example, during meals she serves everything to him while seated. She acts like a loyal waiter, bringing his plate to the table, his glass, his drink, everything she does for him. He is a pig who does not bathe or cleans anything, and she defends all of this.

How can I make my sister see these things? How can I make her understand that this person will only cause her harm? Each time we try to say something to her, she gets annoyed and blames us for just trying to help her. My relationship with her has gotten worse. Another example is that her interests in going to university or getting a job have been sacrificed in favor of his.

We’d appreciate it a lot if you could help us because we are very desperate and depressed to see a loved one in this situation.

— Trying To Save My Sister

Dear Trying To Save My Sister:

It is unfortunate that she is in a destructive relationship and possibly codependent on a dysfunctional person. This means that she does not hear the advice that you, her loving sister, are giving her. I suggest that you change your approach with her, you accept it and respect her decision because then maybe you can remain close to her and that way you will know if there is a time where she is at risk or devastated due to the relationship.

I understand the frustration that you’re feeling because your sister is self-destructing, but at this difficult age, it is difficult for her to listen. At the moment where she asks for help, you will be able to advise her and set her on the path to recovery, but in the meantime you can only be with her and support her emotionally.