“Colombiana” Features Great Action, Bad Writing
By Jennice Fuentes
Courtesy of www.OurTiempo.com
The beautiful and talented actress Zoe Saldana can kick ass like it’s nobody’s business. That much is clear in her new movie, “Colombiana.” But can she play a kick ass killer in a movie that does not make us laugh? We have yet to find out. Saldana may have to wait for a better movie or be content with playing her part in this comic book about a hot Colombiana who really wants to be Zena the Warrior Princess.
Somewhere in Colombia in 1992, Little Cataleya Restrepo’s (the talented Amandla Stenberg) life is about to change. Her drug dealing daddy and mommy are about to be killed by their drug lord. After melo-dramatic goodbyes and last minute instructions, young Cataleya will take matters in her own hands and show those killers that she is her father’s daughter all right. In the movies most exciting scene, this part miniature ninja, part obstacle course runner makes her way out of her home leaving behind countless of men chasing her with every weapon possible. Now that was exciting. She makes her way out of Colombia and to the Chicago home of her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis looking more bored than usual) who is also in the family trade, just another branch. In the Chicago where these folks live, one can apparently make a point by shooting at cars and creating mayhem in a residential street…and then calmly walk away.
Young Cataleya grows into an earthy version of Darth Maul and her only goal in life seems to be the elimination of the Colombian folks who killed her parents. So in order to get revenge, she becomes a pretty skillful contract killer with an impressive collection of electronics, weapons, passports, vehicles, dogs and catsuits.
You know it’s a matter of time before a grown and beautiful Cataleya (Zoe Saldana) falls in love and becomes distracted from her otherwise meticulously laid out revenge plan. Now, how is it that a woman of her talent and drive would fall for the bland painter Danny (the ever bland Michael Vartan) is beyond me. But love must have its own reasons.
“Colombiana” tries to be a big tease for the big mano a mano duel between Cataleya and the actual assassin of her parents, Marco (the magnetic Jordi Molla), who by the way, must be one of the sexiest looking villains ever to grace the screen. But this mano a mano failed to impressed me as much as Cataleya’s ability to bomb, climb, run, shot, dive, swat, slide, swing and escape an entire SWAT team of about 50, in her underwear and barefoot (is there any other look for a female killer?) without ever hurting her feet. Now that is talent. Not even Bruce Willis could pull this off in “Die Hard.”
While the movie was nicely shot by Romain Lacourbas and edited with edge and verve by Camille Delamarre, you must not think too much about the silly story and juvenile dialogue written by no other than Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen. How does an uber talent and hacker like Cataleya take more than a decade to find out where the killer lives? How could she not know she was putting her uncle in danger? How on earth does she carry a rocket launcher (aka bazooka) that is heavier than she is? Also, can someone give these actors real dialogue: “I feel lonely sometimes… me too…thank you…” Is that a conversation in any planet?
Apparently director Oliver Megaton was more interested in showcasing Saldana’s physical talents and not much else.
This entire enterprise is only focused on staying right on message: revenge is beautiful. And there is plenty of beauty to be found here. In fact, is no surprise that Saldana looks like a hot mama in pretty much all of her scenes. That is her job. And apparently her only job. The writers seem to agree with Special Agent Ross’ (Lennie James) statement that is not possible for a woman to be the killer…or this kind of killer. Now I am offended…
Duration: 1:45, rating: PG-13, directed by Oliver Megaton
Jennice Fuentes is a cultural commentator and a frequent guest on various local and national radio and television programs. She is also an actress whose professional career includes a recurring role in the critically-acclaimed HBO series “K Street”; a movie for 20th Century Fox; as well as several independent film roles and theater credits. Ms. Fuentes’ movie reviews, celebrity interviews and entertainment articles have appeared in a number of Spanish language magazines, including People en Espanol, Caras Magazine, and Vista Magazine, the national monthly newspaper supplement, the Puerto Rican daily, Primera Hora, El Tiempo Latino, the largest Spanish weekly in the Washington, D.C. and Filmoteca.com.
