Be Afraid To Go See “Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark”

By Cali Tamayo

Courtesy of www.OurTiempo.com

I really, really wanted to like “Don’t be Afraid of the Dark” since any scary movie having the Guillermo del Toro stamp of approval should be, by definition, pretty scary.  And, yes. I did leave the theatre pretty scared all right…but it was fear for Maestro del Toro’s career.  With a legacy and brand so uber strong in the horror genre, he should really be terrified by fiascos such as this.

Let’s just say that if you laugh more than you cover your eyes in any scary movie…bueno…then it’s a funny-scary-jumpy movie…and that is not really terror but a different genre all together. But let’s just be clear: I am sure we can all agree that the dark is one of the scariest places to be.  To tell anyone to not be afraid of the dark is just to visualize Vincent Price or Alfred Hitchcock leading you to the portal of horror.   Sort of a creepy setup to being with…

The only problem is that there is just not enough “dark” in “Don’t be Afraid of the Dark.”   In fact, watching this flick made me nostalgic for the last time I saw the words “Guillermo del Toro presents” on the big screen, which was at the screening of the superbly haunting and devastatingly beautiful horror film, “El Orfanato” (“The Orphanage”).  In fact, the basement set in this flick looks suspiciously similar to the one in “El Orfanato,” but sadly that is pretty much were the similarities die.

Horror, much like pornography, is something we should instinctively recognize.   Jump scares are another different matter…and clearly what this movie is really working hard at. Unlike the fabulous, magical and fantastic horror film by Del Toro, “Pan’s Labyrinth,” this movie is lacking pretty much in every department.

Horror?  Limited.  Story?  MIA.  Acting?  Phoned in. Monsters?  Too many.

The story has changed since the original TV version aired in 1973 and scared the living headlights out of the young and impressionable Guillermo del Toro (this much he admits…). The Sally in this modern day version is not an adult but a child (that may be the Del Toro touch right there…).  Sally (Bailee Madison) is sent by her mother to live with her clueless architect of a father, Alex (Guy Pearce) and his interior designer girlfriend Kim (Katie Holmes) who both live at the Blackwood mansion, which according to the prologue, has a pretty horrific story. They are working professionals who need to make a living…and that living relies on getting this house on the cover of Architectural Digest. Cueste lo que cueste.

But not that this couple would even notice a Mac truck in their living room…but sulky Sally does notice pretty much everything and then some.  In no time she figures out that there are some strange little creatures living in the house.  Gnomes?  Toys?  Fairies?  Little friends waiting to be rescued? In any case, she does hear them and see their presence…yet no one believes her.  In fact, I started to suspect that Alex was not her real father, since this girl was way sharp…and daddy was the dimmest bulb around….

While there are some pretty tense moments here and there, the entire story collapses under the weight of its own absurdity. How much unexplained stuff needs to happen, including a guy practically killed by tools and a tub attack, before the dense-and-denser Kim and Alex decide it is time to leave the haunted mansion.  Apparently not enough.  But hey, I guess that if they left, we would not have a story…

But the story is not really the dealbreaker here.  The problem is really with the monsters…Too much of a good thing I guess.  This movie suffers from the Jaws complex but in reverse.  Where “Jaws” was sooo effective by simply suggesting the presence of the shark, this film is exactly the opposite.  Mucho monsters killed the mood.  Yes, they look pretty neat and small…and I can see Del Toro must have had a lot of fun drawing them out…but you see, that’s exactly the problem. Beautiful design won over feeling.  These monsters needed to be a little more like monsters…a little more mysterious…after all, what is a monster good for if not to live and dwell in the dark?

Overall, yes, I agree…don’t be afraid of the dark because there’s no one hiding in the dark…

Rating -R , duration 100 minutes, directed by Troy Nixey

Cali Tamayo’s life has always been ruled by celluloid. In the “too much information” category of the Cali Tamayo myth, she was conceived after her very young parents, both movie reviewers, neglected to practice safe sex after a randy and cinematic night on the town that included a screening of “Battle for the Planet of the Apes” and far too much tequila. Appropriately — or ironically — enough, her mother went into labor while watching “The Exorcist.” Ever since, Cali has been inordinately delighted by horror and somewhat horrified by comedy.

While still a toddler, her parents dragged her to every movie they had to review. As a result, CT breastfed during “Jaws,” took her first steps with the “Rocky” soundtrack blaring in the background and pretended to be asleep during “Last Tango in Paris,” although she has a lasting affection for butter. Cali put herself through college and drama school by winning movie trivia games at bars across the country. She is single and lives bi-coastally, and is instantly recognizable at movie screenings by her companion — a coddled and overfed French bulldog named Spielberg.