My Father Won’t Speak To Me If I Don’t Love My Stepmom

Dear Martha:

How can I make my father listen to me? I am 16 and six years ago my father was unfaithful to my mother with my cousin. It was very painful and they separated. Now he has another partner and I have many problems with her. She doesn’t like me and my dad blames me for everything she says. Once she started complaining about me, my father moved away and now only calls me once a month and I only see him every three or four months.

When I do see him, we always talk about why I ask him for time and attention and he tells me I need to change, stop being jealous and quarrelsome. I just want my father’s attention as his daughter. I am angry. He says that if I don’t change my attitude towards his partner, he’s never going to talk to me again. What do I do?

— Disappointed Daughter

Dear Disappointed Daughter:

It’s painful to see that, because of the mistakes of parents, children suffer. I suggest that you do not get involved in adults’ problems, and learn to see your father for what he is: your father. Whether he’s behaved badly with his partners or not, leave that out of your life, see if your relationship with him improves.

I recommend you go see a counselor and unload all of these feelings in a safe place where no one can hurt you. A counselor will understand and help you feel better. No one can obligate your father to be a better parent, but counseling can at least help you feel better understand that you don’t have to be hurt by the choices he makes.