And since the holiday road in particular is paved with these abyss-like sinvergüenza potholes, what kind of heartless jerk would El Guapo be if he let you drive blind? Through diligent examination, we can better grasp these inexplicable pendejadas, and – god willing – avoid a few muffler-rattling moments. So, let’s learn through the errors of others. Sit back and let the pros navigate your holiday season.
Sinvergüenza Gift Ideas:
(Avoid, unless you intend to be commanding idiota of the WTF army)
- Knockoffs from the flea market: Your kids will roll their eyes at their new pair of Sikes with the checkmark logo. At school, they’ll be beaten and kicked with real Nikes (BTW – Spiderman doesn’t have a yellow costume and perfume shouldn’t burn and smell like bleach.)
- Halloween popcorn tins:I t’s on clearance by November 1. Times are tough, we get it. Doesn’t mean anyone wants a cheap, stale tinful of popcorn in December.
- Clothing – for a woman: Be forewarned — buy chones that are too big and you think she’s fat. Buy them too small and you’re saying that’s the size she should be. It’s like Russian roulette without the empty chamber. (By the way – explaining that you got her and the mistress confused again may not be the best cleanup approach.)
- Deep Fryer: Your Tío’s blood pressure is through the roof, and he just had a heart attack. Piénsalo. Does he really need a deep fried Twinkie? Just skip the middle man and smother him with the nearest pillow already.
Top 3 Sinvergüenza Resolutions:
Like hearts, Fabergé Eggs, promises, and wind – resolutions are meant to be broken, and, needless to say, sinvergüenzas don’t mess around.
- Lose weight: You’re serious this time. Renewing the gym membership. More veggies. But first you must know how some of this lechón would taste after a little swim in your Tío’s new deep fryer…and you will ride your Segway to the kitchen and find out.
- Be more responsible: Aw shucks! Where’d that kid go? She was right behind me a couple blocks ago. Damn her tiny legs. I should have left her in the car and cracked the window.
- Rake in more $: You hear you get $500 if you turn someone in who has illegal cable. With all of your friends and family, this is going to be a good year – we’re talking Oprah money.
Holiday Survival Guide: Learning Through Cautionary Tales
Here is a quick map of some holiday scenes where hall of fame sinvergúenzas have left a mark. The following are true, only names have been changed to protect the, u, innocent. Fear not, these folks have been placed in the witless protection program… God help us all.
- Office Holiday Party/ Nora: Nora got drunk, Xeroxed herself, confessed to the Kennedy Assassination, and made out with a Swingline stapler – and only later was told that all she had been drinking was sparkling cider.
- Winter Fun/ Mario: In an effort to bring reality back to Christmas, Mario started constructing anatomically correct snowpersons for the neighborhood kids. He’s currently serving 3-6 years.
- Thanksgiving/ Omar: While wearing elastic pants at the Thanksgiving table is either brilliant, or shameless, depending who you ask, Omar went one better: no pants. He put away a record 45 tamales that Thanksgiving. RIP Omar. Gone, but not forgotten.
- Parking/ Mateo: City parking in the snow is cutthroat. So instead of the usual lawn chair place saver, Mateo stepped it up and left swaddled babies to stake his claim. Sadly, not even this guaranteed his spot.
- The Mall/ Sofia: With no babysitter on black Friday, Sofia became a shopping legend when she threw a box of Cap’N Crunch and her drowsy children together into an overflowing circle rack at Kohl’s. She returned hours later to find that it had, in fact, turned into “The Lord of the Flies” in there.
Happy holidays from your handsome and humble servant —scott clark]