A Coconut’s Guide To Getting Or Keeping Street Cred

There are many subtle categories on the Latino continuum, and we here at The Daily Refried offices recognize that El Guapo is the face, voice, and mind of all shades along this complex and profoundly nuanced range. (We have a unanimously signed petition proving this.)

So what’d we do for you underserved coconuts? Those who grew up in the suburbs and at some point began to sigh audibly when another Gutierrez or Torres showed up in your junior high class? Those who stop at Pepe’s and Taco Bell to occasionally touch base with your heritage? You have to compete in a cut-throat economy, in a business world where you have to dance the razor’s edge between “handling yours” and sidestepping the off chance you might ratchet up the anxiety of your coworkers/employers/employees.

Well, you are a unique animal, coconut. Fear not, though. We brought in a consultant to provide valuable advice to those of you who desire to be respected in the mean streets of the inner city (the barr-i-o) and the demanding workforce.

A good snarl never hurt anyone…

• Bring something commonly thought to be foul at least once a week for lunch: lengua, menudo, cesos (or something with an equivalent yuck-factor.)
• Tuck your Better Homes and Gardens inside a Lowrider Magazine cover.
• Shank the guy who asks the questions at the end of the meeting and makes it run long.
• Wear a guayabera (with or without sandals) for casual Friday. Let the chest hair fly. Ladies, we’re talking to you too. (Don’t worry about the direct or “All Employees” memo about inappropriate attire that you know is indiscreetly directed at you and you alone. It won’t arrive, and if it does, bluff a racial insensitivity lawsuit. Watch them fold.)
• Say things like “That’s not how we handled it in prison.” (Even if you’re referring to something like collating.)
• When you go to Whole Foods, act like you’re lost and hungry. “What’s this hummus crap? I guess I’m starving, so I’ll try it.”
• Show up at the flea market once in a while. What? You’re too good for that? Snob.
• Two words: Neck tattoo.
• Act like you don’t have the faintest idea what pesto is.

We hope we have been of service.

Your handsome and humble servant —

El Guapo