All The Reasons I Don’t Need To Have Children

The biggest mystery to me is that evolution children go through when they are still babies. I do not even know how to hold them. I usually hold them like ticking time bombs – because that is exactly what they are. They cry when they are sad. They cry when they are hungry. They cry when they are cold, and the worst part is that I do not speak baby.

I am not fluent in high pitched shrieks.

My first instinct is to simply put them down and simply pray and hope that someone who knows what they are doing will walk in. I think that I cannot learn how to be more paternal through osmosis. Some of my friends have started to have babies and they are able just dive into the whole parenthood scenario. They walk that high tight wire without a safety net. They live for it. My hat is off to them because I would not be able to maintain on that wire. I would fall without hesitation – like a scoop of ice cream on the ground.

At the same time, my gripe is that a lot of my friends will go out of their way in an attempt to be “hip” parents. They insist that they are not going to act like stereotypical over-doting parents fawning over everything their fetus does. But as soon as those sonograms come through, all of that goes out the window. All they want to talk about is about their baby’s developing toes. They start acting like their baby is the dawning of a new dawn. I hate to break it to them, but we are not changing the calendars or the way we keep track of time once their baby is born. Time will not contract and go back to the year 0. Time will march on. I cannot provide any input to that conversation because the only things inside my brain are box scores and trivia. I do not even know where diaper genies come from.

I resolve to never have children. I do not need to have my genetics out there. With my family history of disease and mental health, I know that I am doing you all a favor. Who needs depressed, bipolar diabetics running around with syringes? Children are a monumental responsibility. They need to be fed constantly. I will not die if I fall asleep on the couch – but they might.

By the way, for the record, I would like to state that I hold no ill will towards children. Children are not the problem. As part of my profession, I spend all day with kids. I teach kids how to read. I teach them how to tie their shoes. I even teach them what to do with complex fractions. However, the best part of my job is that the children I work with eventually go home leaving me to my empty existence where I can do whatever I want with whomever I want to do it. This sounds grand, but it also gets old soon.

Perhaps my biggest problem is dealing with the fear that my spawn or litter will never leave the shallow end of my genetic pool – and I love you all too much to do that to you.

Follow Oscar Barajas on Twitter @Oscarcoatl