Why Is It Ok To Be Gay As Long As We Don’t Talk About It?
There are lots of reasons why I simply don’t “get” homophobia. I’m not going to go into all of them, but as a Latina, one aspect of homophobia I’ve never understood is how it exists in either “tolerable” or “intolerable” circumstances in my community. It’s almost as if there is a threshold of feigned ignorance where, if that threshold is violated, all heck will break loose.
In the course of my life I’ve seen aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, vendors, clergy and outright strangers fall either into the “tolerable” (this person’s sexuality is only slightly disturbing to me therefore I will ignore it) category or the “intolerable” (this person’s sexuality disturbs me enough to make me outwardly uncomfortable so I shall act upon these feelings) category. The results of this emotional chess range from comical to embarrassing to tragic.
I do not have a calculus for this particular brand of homophobia, but I will say that it puzzles me greatly that families and communities can know a thing, and even accept a thing, even while pretending to know nothing about it — and even saying they don’t agree with the thing they’re not talking about. I’ve seen families with gay relatives who never question why some aunt, uncle or cousin never married or has “roommates” or lives such a private life. I mean, I know we’re not all stupid, but the games we manage to play to avoid having to actually talk about homosexuality in ways that are not reactionary is pretty impressive.
To pretend that we are not all, in some way, connected to someone who is gay is just plain silly. We all have tíos or primos or hermanos who are gay — even if we don’t want to come out and admit this to ourselves. What I don’t understand is why we pretend like we don’t have to accept them the way they are as long as we don’t talk about it. How does that make any sense? Recently I was speaking to an elderly relative of mine who insisted that, while her older sister never married despite the fact that men threw themselves at her, it was simply because she was too picky. Perhaps her sister wasn’t gay, but she wouldn’t even consider the possibility.
Personally, I don’t think anyone should have to seek “acceptance” of who they are from people who are supposed to love them no matter what. Period. But, having been witness to much emotional distress and pain from people that I love because of this little game we play, I have to say that I hope one day we evolve past it. It may be comfortable to pretend that, as long as we’re pretending, everything will be fine — but the people who will suffer as a result of this forced silent won’t be.
And if you love anything like how I love, then you know that tolerating just a little bit of injustice for someone you love is simply too much.
Follow Sara Inés Calderón on Twitter @SaraChicaD
